Friday, December 14, 2012

More Confessions

I saw a drop of almost 2lbs on the scale this morning.  =)  I always like to see that.  However, I have become a bit obsessive and I weigh myself every morning.  But, I have noticed a cycle with my weight loss.  I will drop about 2-3 lbs one day then the next it will go back up by about half, then it will stay that exact weight a couple of days, then it will slowly start to drop back down a few onces a day, and then it starts all over again.  But, I LOVE seeing it go down!! 

Today I felt like I needed to write a little bit more about my past weight and food history.  A little bit more of a "coming clean" on the person I've been and tried to keep hidden from the world. 

I haven't always been the fat girl.  I was fairly thin when I got pregnant with my first son.  I didn't gain a whole lot of weight  (I think 24lbs, if I remember right) while preggo with him either, and then lost most of the weight after he was born without even trying. 

Three years later, I had put on a few pounds, but I was by no means overweight, I think I had gone up a couple of sizes.  Can't remember for sure.  Then I got preggo with baby boy #2.  Again, I didn't gain a lot of weight.  In fact, it was less than my first pregnancy.  It was around 17lbs.  A week after I had him I was back in my pre-pregnancy clothes without trying. 

Two years later, I got pregnant with baby boy #3.  I gained 15lbs this time, and went back into my regular clothes right after giving birth.  

It was after I had my 3rd baby that things really started to spiral down.  Like I said, I've always had a sweet tooth.  But after I had him, it got really bad.  I would consume so much junk somtimes, that I would literally make myself sick from it.  Don't read that wrong, I never purposefully binged and purged.  But, more than once my body naturally had to purge itself from all the crap I had consumed.  I then learned to eat just enough junk to satisfy my uncontrollable cravings, but stay under the amount of junk that would send me to the bathroom.  By this time, I was quickly outgrowing my clothes, too. 

I hated myself for eating so much crap, but I had no idea how to control it.  

A couple of years later, I met a sweet friend, and we started Weight Watchers together, and started working out together (5-6 days a week).  I was doing really good.  I had lost a bunch of inches and some weight.  I was feeling really good!  Then...we moved out of state. I didn't have my buddy anymore.

Once we moved and got settled, I was back to eating badly again.  I lived minutes from my  mom now, and we often went out to lunch or to get a treat.  She spoiled me!  

After a few months, I joined Weight Watchers again.  I was also walking about 3 miles 4-5 days a week.  It didn't last long, and I was right back into old habits.  And my weight and size were bigger than they had ever before.  Then we moved out of state again.

Fast forward four and a half years.  Nothing changed during those years other than my clothes size and weight, and my book shelf.  I had all sorts of weight loss books on it.  I was still binging on junk food all the time.  I drank sodas ALL.THE.TIME.  I never drank water...EVER.  My dh and I were notorious for getting our 44oz fountain drinks at the convience store, and refilling them at least 1-2 times a day after that.  One day we gave up sodas, but we replaced it with sweet tea.  And we'd do the same thing with tea. 

All that junk and sugar had caused me to go through so many ups and downs.  I had several boughts of depression.  But, I didn't want anyone to know.  I wouldn't talk about it.  It was more of my dirty, little secret that I wanted to keep hidden from everyone.  On multiple occasions, I even thought how much better off my family would be without me.  But, that was Satan talking, and deep down I knew God wanted me to be where I was. 

I was so out of control. I hated my thoughts.  I hated to look at myself in the mirror.  I hated to buy clothes.  I hated to walk into a dressing room. I was embarrassed go home and visit my family, for fear of what they would think when they saw me. I hated food, yet loved it.  Most of all...I HATED ME!

And now... there's today!  I'm changing.  I'm thankful.  I'm learning to like myself and know that I'm better than all of that.   God is good, and he loves me no matter what, and I wasn't loving him  back like I should.  I was a slave to food, and I wasn't taking care of the body that he blessed me with.  I was being self-destructive.  And with his grace and mercy, I'm moving on.  I hope to never be "that girl" again! 

WOW!!  That was hard!  Hopefully, I will hit publish when I'm finished.  I get butterflies at the thought of putting all this out there.  Moving forward, right??

I'll finish with today's menu.
Breakfast- THM blueberry pancakes- E meal
Lunch- Left over lentil soup- E
Snack- Fat Strippen Frappa Smoothie
Dinner- We have a party this evening, so I will do the best I can with what I'm given!

Workout- I'm thinking I will do two of my 10 min Gold's Gym videos with the kettlebell. 

More soon!  Hope you have a blessed day!


  1. Thank you for being so open and honest. I too am addicted to sugar and (Diet Coke), to the point where it is extremely unhealthy. I just started THM this week, and I already feel much better. I can't wait to keep up with your progress!

  2. Thanks for sharing. I lol forward to following your journey. I've been doing thm for 7 weeks now :)

  3. Thank you Amber & Kathy!

    Amber, that is great news that you started this week. So glad you are already feeling better. Towards the end of my first week, I think I had some withdrawals from the sugar, because for about 3 days in a row I had really bad headaches in the afternoon/evenings. I know we're all different, but thought I would share that just in case you experience it, too. I'm cheering for you and would love to hear how you progress!

    Kathy, 7 weeks is great!! You started just about a week after I did!! =) I'm cheering for you, too!! Great job!!

  4. I appreciate your honesty so much in this post. I see myself in a lot of what you have said. Hating myself has been a lie from Satan and I am refusing to give in anymore! We are fearfully and wonderfully made says the Lord! I have just started eating the THM way and can't wait to say I've lost 25lbs! I have a LOT more than that to lose but one day at a time :)

  5. McKinsey, you are so right!! Congrats on starting THM!! I know you'll do great!! You'll be telling us all about your 25lb loss before you know it!! =)